Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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