Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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