Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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