So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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