Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
