I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
