Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I lost the right to judge tonight
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
