did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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