New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize