1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
