Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
