My sheets look like a crime scene.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
