She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
