My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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