**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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