My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
