I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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