fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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