I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
