i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize