I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
