It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
