Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
