peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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