I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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