He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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