I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
