this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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