I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
