i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
