The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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