Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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