you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
