i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
