So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
