you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
