12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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