I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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