taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
