Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
