I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
