He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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