he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
