I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
