Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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