Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
