I want to have your abortion
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
