I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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