I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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