At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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