Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
