im having a threesome with these popsicles
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
