Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I smell stomach acid.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
