Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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