Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
